Jake+Vienna = LOVE 4EVA

Ok, so that was either the cheesiest episode of The Bachelor of all time ("next time, on the CHEESIEST episode of The Bachelor EVER"), or I'm just finally reaching my limit. I think what really did it in was that horrific song accompanied by the borderline pornographic Jake/Vienna montage, followed by the dude (who IS that) showing up in person on After the Rose while they danced. G-A-G.

But, let's backtrack. I seem to be the only person in America who is proud of Jake for picking Vienna, so I thought I'd share my revolutionary thoughts. As a reality tv connoisseur, I am familiar with the "villain" that appears every season (think Wes of Bachelorette fame), and always makes it far enough to make things interesting. Vienna was definitely slated to play that part this year (unless you count Roslyn, who would have made a far more effective villain for the finale - I totally would have cheered against that bitch), but I dont think she was the typical choice.

In the past, they've really given us someone to hate. Maybe it's through editing (although I fail to see how that is entirely true), but the status quo is generally the very good-looking guy/girl who has some motive for being there, and it is never the "journey of love" (to steal a little cheese from Jakey-poo). The women are aspiring models/actresses, and last time we had Wes and his godawful music career. And, although always transparent to the savvy viewer, the poor bachelor/bachelorette can never quite see what's going on (until right up to the end, when they generally make the "right" choice).

First of all, Vienna is not hot. She is probably the least hot contestant from the entire season (although, I will admit she looked nice on the finale). Let's be frank: she is cross-eyed and has the worst dye-job I've ever seen. This is a clear violation of Bachelor Villain Rule #1.

Also, she really had nothing to gain, besides maybe the self-confidence she finds from men (and, finally, she gets to replace that weird daddy engagement ring thingy!). I did read that she competed in every Hooters bikini contest for a period of years and always aspired - but didnt quite make it - to the Hooters calendar. But, let's be serious, even that girl knows she isn't going to be a legit model with what she's working with there.

So, I guess the first part is, I dont think Vienna is that bad. I mean, sure, she's a bit trailer, and she wasnt the most visually appealing contestant, but what happened to cheering for the underdog? Vienna is like the Saints of the Bachelor!

However, if my brother brought home some chick like Vienna, I would NOT be on board, so it's important to look at Jake and why HE needed a little Vienna in his life (and to stay far, far away from Tenley).

Jake is, in a word, LAME. He talks "values" and "journeys" and is probably the least sexual good-looking guy I've ever met (what? it's like I know him...). I mean if anyone saw him on The Bachelorette last season, they knew this would be a snooze-fest based on his weirdness with Jillian. He is a timeline guy - we've all met him. And he's also that guy that we all knew in high school who was strangely good-looking yet awkwardly asexual. The man has probably slept with two girls in his life (pre-Bachelor of course), so I was pretty proud of him for slutting it up this season (and while we're on that topic, any guesses as to who he really had sex with on the show??)... because I think he needed it. And this brings me closer to why he needs Vienna.

I mean, you had Tenley, whose Disney-princess voice pretty much sums up her wacko rainbows and carebears personality (annoying). She had to constantly talk about how she'd only been with one man and blablabla. Really? Personally, I think she should have learned her lesson from Corrie, who was "coincidentally" booted directly after her whole, virgin confession thing. Anyway, I guess she really believed Jake had integrity and everything, which is very sweet and all... but that girl just screamed baggage. And her life with Jake would have been a total snoozefest, JUST as I had predicted.

So, Jake went and surprised me. He pulled a classic dude move and went for the slut (although I'm sure she's a very nice slut), and there's something I appreciate about that. I mean, Mr. Perfect Enunciation went for the Hooters trailer girl... really? Why doesnt anyone else think this is AWESOME and is more redeeming of Jake than anything else???

On After the Rose, when Tenley was STILL obsessing about what Jake "meant" when he said they had no physical chemistry, I wanted Salt and Peppa to come out (instead of the old guy to sing the "theme song") to Talk About Sex, baby... to explain the situation.

Which, brings me to the other idiots in the world who actually wanted Tenley to be the Bachelorette? Come ON. Not only is she supremely annoying, everyone KNOWS you need a chick who will put out to be in that role, which is exactly where Aly comes in, for sure.

So, those are my feelings, and I'm now embarrassed that I've actually managed to write THIS much about this show. However, I'd like to end with another kudos to ABC: AWESOME job using Tenley and Jake's mutual "love" of dance (seriously? he sucked.) to transition right into his role on Dancing With the Stars. You can also catch Jillian (of Bachelorette fame) on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (in case you didn't know, I'm serious).